I was reminiscing, as I often do, about NCCC the other day. I was trying to put a finger on another one of those things that doesn't come as easy in life outside of AmeriCorps, and I think I realized what it was. Change.
This is most obvious and on-the-surface with the traveling nature of the program. According to Google Maps, I traveled by car an approximate 8,787 miles during the last year in 9 different states. This is the reason a lot of people join AmeriCorps, but in retrospect it isn't the best reward.
The fact that I didn't spend over 10 weeks on a particular job was another factor of change that I appreciated. You were always on your toes for whatever new was going to be thrown at you, and if you didn't like what you were doing it was only a matter of time before you would be doing something else. I've now surpassed the ten-week mark of working as a substitute teacher, having started some time in early September. It's a droll existence, but it could be worse. I at least have the variety of switching between high school and elementary classes when I choose. Anyways, this variety of work is also a bit of a surface reward, especially since most people in the US do stay in one place and do the same job for years rather than weeks.
Really what I miss is the personal changes that were going on. Even when I was in emotional agony after Kristy broke up with me, or I was pushed to my limits of stress during Special Olympics, or I faced the frustration of living within the constraints of the program-- being poor, no privacy, all the BS rules. Despite or maybe because of all of this, I felt alive. I was pushing myself. I was doing things I hadn't thought possible for me. I was discovering new ideas about the the world and testing the importance and rearranging the priorities from my old ideas.
I learned to be more observant and quiet in the world. I remembered the importance of creativity that I had mostly shed in college. I learned to be self-sufficient for most all of the tasks one has. I learned to cook. I picked up smoking. I discovered the intellectual benefits of tea. I was able to ask for a girl's phone number. I learned the necessity of interconnectedness of people-- that we are a tribal animal that finds it's greatest strength in helping 'the tribe'.
Looking back at the past year, I won't deny that I have picked up some bad habits. On the whole, though, I think I have come out on the positive. What's more, I feel like it's more important to make changes than for all of those changes to be positive. A stagnant personality, no matter how good, may as well be no personality.
Times like these seem to have happened at punctuated events in life: my ICC trip to Paris, my freshman year at DePauw, my trip to Costa Rica. What I wonder is why does something so drastic have to occur for these personal changes to occur? Why couldn't we discover these things while living our everyday lives? Is the problem in our environment or in ourselves? I suspect both.
Being back home, one of my major frustrations is regressing from the changes I had amassed while in AmeriCorps. I find myself doing things out of convenience or habit-- letting my mom do my laundry or turning on the TV when I come home whether I want to watch anything or not. I guess this is both a matter of me being lazy and being distracted by the cold comforts of life at home.
Though I don't know how successful I may be at it, I want to resolve to spend my remaining 6 months at home not being stagnant. I'm not exactly sure how to do it (and would be up for any suggestions), but I feel I have to. I just can't keep regressing.
No comments:
Post a Comment