As the year is coming to an end, I'm again thinking back on my AmeriCorps experience. For more seven out of the last twelve months, I was surrounded by awesome people, meaningful work, and a spirit of idealism and adventure. I wonder looking back whether in my time I was being spoiled. Yes, I did live a rather meager existence ($4 a day on food, sleeping on a cot, no privacy), but the benefits way outweighed any of those minor inconveniences.
I got to move all over the country. I ate a home cooked meal about 5 nights of the week. I went out sometimes two or three nights at a week with friends. I occasionally ate at exotic and ethnic restaurants. I was approached with gratitude by people when they knew what I was doing. I got a bunch of free stuff and went skiing 4 times for free. I lived a fairly carefree existence.
Now I live a very immobile life back at home and go through the drudgery of making a dollar as most of the people in the US do. Moments last year were so good, they seem like a great dream. Now I keep dreaming of going back and doing another year, maybe as a TL or maybe in a different program. If I don't get accepted into a grad school, this will be a practical choice. If I do get accepted-- or specifically get accepted to one that isn't my top choice-- I keep musing on whether they would let me defer a year in order to do another year of AmeriCorps.
I wonder, though, would doing so be a self-indulgent thing to do? It seems an oxymoron, considering it is a year of serving people and living simply. On the other hand I feel guilty that so many people don't get to do as awesome of things as I was able to do. I don't think that the program is a government funded vacation, by any means. It is a fiscally well-run organization from what I know.
I'm sort of rambling by now, but my point is that I'm filled with a weird mix of gratitude, longing, and guilt. I'm so thankful that I was able to do those things, and at the same time I long to get out and do more. This makes me wish that I could be content with where I am for one second, since I will be here for at least another 4.5 months. I also wish I could be grateful for the blessings that the last 5 months have given me (free room and board with the parents, a means of income, friends that I can visit on weekends), but I those great memories from the first 7 months seem to leave me terminally discontented.
Well, here's a final toast to the last year. May the next bring as many good memories, revelations, outlets of generosity, and moments of gratitude.
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