Wherever you find yourself can be where you are supposed to be

So I've had another big 'milestone' today, if you can call it that. For the second year, I've had the school that I was banking on attending tell me that they aren't pursuing me as a student. This time around it was Colorado State University of Fort Collins. This is particularly like rubbing salt in the wound because I've been doting on them for almost a year now. Besides the romantic flair I have for wanting to live in the scenic state of Colorado, CSU had the very best program for tuberculosis research-- something that it's taken me years to find I want to pursue. Where this is and what I would be doing seem like such a good fit for me, that it's like being sucker-punched not to be able to go there.

In situations like this there is the silly but inevitable result of a lot of self-doubt. Is there something wrong with me? Have I been doing the right things and making the right decisions? Is this what I want, if they don't want me? Ultimately, I know these are silly questions: no, there's nothing wrong with me; yes, I've been doing what I can to make myself a better person and to help people which are, in the end, the right decisions; and yes, this is what I want-- to study infectious disease and pursue my Ph. D. It's hard, though, not for these questions not to keep popping back into my head.

One of the most frustrating things is that I really don't know what I can do to prove to an applications committee how good of a candidate I am. I know just how charged I am to be back doing science, and I thought I got that across in my statement of purpose. I just wish there was something more I can do to convince them, but sadly I'm at a loss. I'm just a pen without a poet, or a saw without a sawyer. I'm ready to be used, and I want to be doing something good and meaningful. I just can't do it unless the right person sees that and lets me meet my potential.

The other great frustration is this, to me, seems like the continuation of a long line of ambitions that I have set for myself that have absolutely never worked out. Every time I set out to do something responsible that would better myself, I seem to be told that I am not responsible enough. In college I thought it would be good for me to be part of my fraternity cabinet and help out my house-- nope, not voted in. I later thought it would be good for me to be an RA and help out freshmen-- nope, denied at my interview. In NCCC I thought I could be a responsible team leader-- nope, didn't get past the interviews there either. Shortly thereafter, another AmeriCorps position opened up as an environmental education and research in Portland-- nope, though I was in the top 3. Most recently it has been my application to grad schools, round one-- nope, UNC, UW-Madison, Vandy, and UVA had many qualified applicants...blah,blah,blah.

In almost all of those cases, I was perhaps better off for the denial. Cabinet and RA positions are very time consuming and hard to balance with schoolwork. Not being an NCCC TL or Portland AmeriCorps volunteer allowed me to do Bike and Build and St. Louis ERT. Not getting into my first round of grad schools allowed me to focus on the particular subset of study I wanted (infectious disease) and look for the best schools for those. For most of these roadblocks I've found an alternate path and made something good out of it. I'm just really tired of hearing 'nope'. Especially since I think I'm finally where I need to be.

One thing that stuck with me in a conversation with one of my dearest friends this evening is that he said, "Jesse, wherever you find yourself is where you are supposed to be." I found this statement very problematic, and it's something I hear it very often from a lot of my friends and family. While I'm thankful at their reassurance and that they care, the fact that it's the only response I get is very unsatisfying. I don't particularly believe in fate or that there is a plan for me (I don't disbelieve it, it's just one of those gray areas that can go either way). As a result, I get pretty anxious and feel like I'm wasting my time if I'm not in the thick of doing some good new thing. Anyway, as we were talking we came up with a more satisfying rendition of the phrase. Instead it was, "Wherever you find yourself can be where you are supposed to be." That is, in every situation this are a lot of ways you can continue to better yourself and live life well and fully (whether it was what you had hoped or not).

How that will embody itself in the coming days, I don't know. While I don't have a lot of faith left in me getting into grad school this year (I still have a shot with Pitt), I do have faith that good things will happen and that life will present new bits of wisdom and richness.

My best guess is that it may allow me to pursue a plan of biking a 350 mile loop around Montana late this summer [PS, if any friends are interested in joining me, say so]. It may also give me the time next summer to pursue a leadership role for another Bike and Build route, who knows?